I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
