I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
