i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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