I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
