Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
