tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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