What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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