May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
