i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
A bitchslap is in order.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
