Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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