Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Randomize
