I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
This is classic penis vs brain.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Holy sore nipples Batman
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize