Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
