you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
