I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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