Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
