why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
