Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
