my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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