i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize