Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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