Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
