I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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