She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
