I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
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