Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
