we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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