just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
This house was built for laser tag.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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