you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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