My hand turned me down
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
