She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
