yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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