how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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