I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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