my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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