xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
