I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
