I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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