I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You are a genius and a whore.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
