At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
