Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
A bitchslap is in order.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
