Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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