Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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