Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize