dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
