It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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