happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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