Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
