If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize