she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
