the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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