can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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