my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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