last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Can Purell be used as lube?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
